Okay, so here is some honesty.
I, as I am sure like many of you, am happy with my weight.
“Happy,” (of course) meaning, I don’t cry anymore when I look at myself in the mirror (like I used to many moons ago).
Trying on wedding dresses does something to a girl’s psyche. Or at least mine.
You try a dress on, and it’s absolutely stunning. You think, “wow, I feel so beautiful,” and you take a bunch of pictures and go home musing on the loveliness of it all.
And then it hits you, as you look at the pictures…
My waist could be sinched at least two more inches…
My “back skin” could pull a little tighter…
My chest could get a little smaller (who wants to look like a floosy on their wedding day?)…
My butt could be a little perkier…
And then the cycle spirals farther and farther into the black myriad of self-loathing.
Why do we (I) do this to ourselves? It makes no sense. My body in in great condition…I can run, lift weights, do yoga, dance, run hills, AND rock a dress. So what’s the big deal? What is 1/2 an inch of skin? WHY is it such a big deal all of a sudden, and WHY can’t I let go of it?
And the most ironic part is that I don’t feel depressed at all…just riled and motivated to DO something about this annoying thinking that sounds like “I must be the most beautiful and perfect bride Joel could have ever imagined.”
Because he already thinks that, and most importantly, I shouldn’t receive my body-image satisfaction from him…because it’s never enough.
No matter how many times he tells me, “You are the hottest girl I have ever seen,” and “I can’t believe God has blessed me with you…you are so gorgeous,” it never truly satisfies.
Ironically, when I was younger, I received most of my inner fulfillment and satisfaction from God. And let me tell you. It was MUCH more satisfying. His love never faded, it was always there, reassuring me and teaching me that beauty is something that resides so much deeper than flesh and bones…it is graphed into your blood and comes out from the heart. Cheesy, I know. But so real, and so incredible.
And now, I met the guy of my dreams, and he is incredible, but I think along the way somewhere my thinking has changed.
It has become less of what God has intended me to be on the inside, and more about how Joel sees me, and how I compare myself to other girls.
And the more this thinking has changed, the less satisfying my life is. The less satisfying my relationship is. And the less satisfying God is.
Because if I am looking for outward approval, I won’t find that from God. But I can find it from people and their “admiration”.
But the problem with the admiration is that it is like a drug…
It feels so so good at first, and all you need is that one “hit” (a.k.a. compliment, reassurance, approval) and you’re fine…but soon enough, that one hit turns into two hits, which turns into three hits, and now you need four hits to feel the same high.
Hmmmm. Dangerous business.
SO, even though I do want to be super lean and perfectly toned on my wedding day, I am going to first and foremost aim for INNER BEAUTY, and whatever outward expression comes, then so be it! But that CANNOT be my focus. Not only does it become annoying to need people’s approval, but it in turn makes me miss out on the single-most important relationship…mine and God’s.
Amen to that, sisters 🙂